Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview. Newslaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. Whats behind it all? Cruise: You have no idea what its like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you cant possibly see any reason youd reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down. Newslaugh: Oh, so thats why youre acting like a jackass?
Relaxed And Happy American Located; Agrees To Brief Interview
Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy.
Intent on locating the indomitable soul, should there still be one, we spread out across the nation and, just as we were ready to drop our shoulders and sigh with hopelessness, we saw a man walking down the street of a small resort town in the Northeast, singing to himself the song Louis Armstrong made eternally popular with his scratchy but heartfelt voice, What A Wonderful World.
Suspecting we might, at long last, have our man, we introduced ourselves and asked if hed consent to an interview.
Sure, he replied, but only a short one. So I can stay relaxed and happy.
For whatever it may do to help you achieve your own peace and bliss, the interview follows. He reveals, among other things, that he concentrates, in a surprising way, on subjects that appear in the dictionary under the letter “F.”
Mexican Immigrants Flock To National Guard; Hope To Patrol Border
On hearing of President Bushs intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, Mexican immigrants flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty. While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, told us, The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico. Now we have a much better chance of helping them get to America.
Internet, Which Began As Tech Wizardry, Ends Up As Ad Wizardry
The Internet, which began as the inspiration and implementation of technical wizards, has apparently ended up as the playground of advertising wizards. Witness the incessant publicity about such Internet prodigies as Google Adwords. And wherever can you click that an ad doesnt flash at you, featuring one beast or another, from a barrel of monkeys to a cobra, or glitteraty type - all in an energetic effort to call your attention to everything from low mortgage rates to cures for erectile dysfunction.
Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then theres the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally Im very much against banning it.
Lets face it, a Spanish opponent commented, Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that Id rather die in a bullring than quit.
Bush Meets Maliki. May Trade Jobs.
President Bush made a secret trip to Iraq to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to assure him that the U. S. will continue to support efforts to stabilize and rebuild Iraq. Mr. Maliki thanked him and assured him that he would do everything to increase President Bushs approval ratings. After further discussions, the two leaders agreed that the best way to accomplish both goals may be to exchange jobs.
Another Dracula, Another Flop
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of a Mickey Mouse caper. As even the blind could foresee, the critics went for the jugular.
As we often say about working with an idea that doesnt have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you cant make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, its bound to fall back down.
The Topless CPA
This place is amazing, Todd told Lila, the topless dancer who had just charged him for touching her hand. Is there anything you dont charge for?
Not very many, she joked.
Howd it get that way? he wanted to know.
It was started by a dancer who saved up and got her CPA.
Radical Muslims Run Afoul Of Kants Categorical Imperative
As if the Muslim religion didnt have enough problems in the often less than mutually tolerant text of the Koran, now its radical exponents have run afoul of Kants ever-present Categorical Imperative.
How?
As Muslim murders Muslim, the warring Sunnis and Shiites each maintain that their religion lends support to their bloody sectarianism. To the extent that it does, it runs counter to Ks Categorical Imperative, which, as every schoolchild in America is taught by the age of five, states, Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.” In other words, set a good example, in fact, one so laudable we can all join in.
Met Meets Greece’s Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour and ask what they were for.
Infant Author Accused Of Plaigarism; Copied Sounds In Nursery
A newborn infant, who showed unusual promise in the hospital nursery in the modulation of her of coos and cries and was immediately swept from her mothers arms to Harvard University, has now been disgraced as a mere plagiarist. It seems that the infant, commissioned to write an original succession of coos and cries by a wily book packager, had listened to the coos and cries of her fellow newborns during her brief stay at the hospital and, intentionally or not, had copied them.
Europeans Press Iran; Present Cartoon Of Bombs Dropping On Nuclear Plants
European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.
During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.
The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?