One of the most winning things about spirits irrepressible is that they always come out swinging. And that resilient spirit was on prideful display at Wimbledon, which respectfully went its traditional way even as the people of London marked the dastardly bombing of the tube with sad but resolute hearts.
Why Al-Qaedas Promise Of Paradise Is Fundamentally Illogical
As we listen to the two principal culprits of Al-Qaeda attempt to motivate the unsuspecting to become suicidal dupes of its ideology, we cannot help but hear that their furious rhetoric is grievously flawed. We decided we might save some lives by bringing to bear on their promise of Paradise via murder the most frightening prospect a furiously brandished lie can confront: logic.
Lets begin by reviewing the fundamental values on which their provocative illogic is based:
1. There is only one true God
2. God is great
3. The way to please God is to kill people who dont believe in Him exactly the way we do.
Well, well, lets have a look-see.
Robots Getting Smarter; Plan To Enter Politics
Robotic IQ is apparently on the up tick.
Now, we read, the accomplished mechanical wonders can drive, as long theres not too much to steer around, be watchful lifeguards, and mimic human behavior in video games. And how far a leap is it from video games to political shenanigans?
So any number of the brainy bots have been discussing how they might enter what is, legendarily, one of the worlds least demanding occupations in terms of intellect: politics.
Met Meets Greece’s Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour and ask what they were for.
Government Monitors Phone Bills; Agrees To Pay Half
The National Security Administration, admitting it has monitored the phone bills of millions of Americans, decided to palliate the perturbed populace by agreeing to pay half of every American’s phone bill.
While consumers lauded the action, reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed, with Republicans maintaining that such a gesture is fiscally irresponsible. To shore up their case, they pointed to their unimpeachable conduct in regard to the national debt.
Crime Prevention And Horse Sense
Petting a friendly horse aside, discussion of their ability to speed here and there, an inevitable concomitant of law enforcement in Gotham, leads us to the contemplation of what we, as cringing pedestrians, would rather be run over by a police car or a police horse.
Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face
Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face.
Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat.
So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.
Relaxed And Happy American Located; Agrees To Brief Interview
Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy.
Intent on locating the indomitable soul, should there still be one, we spread out across the nation and, just as we were ready to drop our shoulders and sigh with hopelessness, we saw a man walking down the street of a small resort town in the Northeast, singing to himself the song Louis Armstrong made eternally popular with his scratchy but heartfelt voice, What A Wonderful World.
Suspecting we might, at long last, have our man, we introduced ourselves and asked if hed consent to an interview.
Sure, he replied, but only a short one. So I can stay relaxed and happy.
For whatever it may do to help you achieve your own peace and bliss, the interview follows. He reveals, among other things, that he concentrates, in a surprising way, on subjects that appear in the dictionary under the letter “F.”
Man Loses Memory; Shows Up At Emergency Room
How did it happen,” the intern asked, “a tramautic emotional event, a knock on the head?
No, no, nothing like that, the businessman replied, taking out his PDA. You see, I keep everything in my electronic organizer. At first, it was a convenience. Then, over time, I became dependent on it. My own memory withered from disuse. Finally, I couldn’t remember anything without it. Then today, it happened.
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a readers request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, Why do you always talk about other people? Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself. Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?
Conversation In An Age Of Confusion
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?
Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered
In an effort to return basketball to the widely popular place it held in the hearts and minds of average-size and short Americans before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, The National Basketball Association is considering legitimizing a basket height that will allow even really short people to slam-dunk the ball and hang by the hoop to express their delight over a particularly good play. If the sport for shorts catches on, the association may establish an entirely new league.