The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction.
Just Say No To Sex
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
“They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions,” Dr. Coburn replied. “As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world and now they see a practical way to proceed.
We shall see. But, even if you are able to inculcate your linguistic nonsense, how long do you expect they’ll abstain before their fulminating libidos overwhelm your flimsy barricades?
Until they are comfortably and safely married. I also assume that the most diligent students will continue to maintain a commendable degree of procreative moderation in wedlock.
Please, theyd all be much safer simply using condoms.
Getty Museum Decides To Donate Its Building To Italy
The J. Paul Getty Trust has agreed to return “significant objects” to Italy from its collection of Etruscan and Roman art, including “several masterpieces.” It appears that many objects in the museum were looted from Italy and made their way to the museum though illicit dealers.
To facilitate a settlement with Italy over its claims to antiquities in the Getty Museum, the trust also agreed to donate its building to Italy.
Chinese Leader Visits U. S. Shops For Sneakers
This is what fair trade is all about, he said. You give us things to make, and we make them.
A Revised History Of Pasta
As we note history changing at a record pace, from the recent unexpected surfacing of The Book of Judas to the unseating of Tyrannosaurus Rex as the largest-ever carnivore, we thought wed do our part by contributing a revised history of pasta, in which we claim the accolade for the Roman epicurean Julius Amplonius, who had the furious assistance of the invading barbarian Klunk, The Great.
Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, were easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last, in the event of a surprise nuclear war, maybe another billionth of a second.
So lets ask the question that, as far as we know, has yet to be considered. How might we band of explosive rabble rousers last for another five billion years, rather than self-destructing any time sooner?
First, of course, we should consider dealing with the biggest tomahawks that are in the air, primarily, the three Bs, by which we dont mean the names of three eternal classical composers but pollution, population, and pop goes the A-Bomb.
Meanwhile, what invitingly positive items might we busy ourselves with during the next five billion years or so? After all, our unrealistic and yet, we suspect, achievable goal is more than just hanging on for the essentially eternal ride; its enjoying the wondrous flight through space and time.
Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.
Jimmy Hoffa Continues To Evade FBI
As the FBI, operating on a tip from a prisoner who reported witnessing suspicious activity on the night of Jimmy Hoffas disappearance, continued to search for the former teamster leader, he was somehow still able to evade capture.
Although Mr. Hoffa disappeared over fifty years ago, no sign of him or his remains have been detected, despite numerous tips of eithers possible whereabouts.
Given the run-ins the teamster boss had with the FBI during the period when he was definitely alive, some observes say it is no wonder he refuses to be located.
Gas Prices Go “Gas-tronomical!”
As a result, some surprising new players have entered the gasoline business. Tiffany has announced it plans to install a fuel pump next to the counter in which it displays its most extravagant diamonds. Cartier intends to retail the gaseous bauble in solid-gold thimbles. And DeBeers, the legendary diamond merchant, will promote its pricy petrol with a variation on its usual slogan, “A diamond is forever,” with A tankful is not forever.”
Chinese Hope To Make British Car That Works
Remember the MG? Worse yet, did you ever own one? Then cower in fear. The Chinese bought the MG brand name and are about to open a plant to build the malfunctioning suckers in Oklahoma.
The Nanjing Automobile Group, which acquired bankrupt MG Rover Group last year, plans to be the first Chinese automaker to open a factory in the US. The product will be called the MG TF Coupe and will be out in 2008.
Lets hope they do a better job with the racy brand than the Brits did.
I never did own an MG, but I owned another British car, a venerable Jaguar, that I had repaired at a place that specialized in servicing MGs.
Here is my story, with one caveat. I understand now that Ford bought the Jag brand, it works better.
A Life Of Lorenzo Da Ponte: Talent Flies; Practical Reason Walks
Among the worlds favorite operas, we find three of them with a libretto penned by Lorenzo Da Ponte and music by none other than the astonishingly delightful Viennese ear-confectioner Mozart. The list is a delight in itself: The Marriage of Figaro, Don Giovann, and Così Fan Tutte.
We learn in the new book, The Librettist of Venice, by Rodney Bolt, that Da Ponte grew so close with the unequalled Mozart both of whom, we learn, were not only talented but vain, insecure and …
Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It’s The Smoking Throat
OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if “Smoky, The Scare” gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn’t it be more reassuring if the word Prevention was in the Society’s name?)
Now, thats what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century.
And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveward bound souls a year.
Now, heres the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, “We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040.”
So heres our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And were not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously havent listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot.