The demonstration was incited when a breakaway member of the Mormon Church was buying so many marriage licenses that he had to rob a bank to pay for them. The bearded leader of the march explained, When people only buy one marriage license, we can see why they have to pay the full freight. But when youre like us and buy them on a regular basis, its only fair that you ought to get a break on the price.
Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How
Then he headed for the door, as Melanie went upstairs. He drew it open, and said, Dan, my boy, come in.
Thank you, Dr. Coburn.
How are things going?
Great! Just great!
Excellent, Dr. Coburn exclaimed. Tell me, how are you dealing with the numerous opportunities that seem to come your way?”
No problem.
Haven’t by any chance succumbed to any, have you?
No, sir.
Not even once?
No, not once, sir, he said, but his voice broke and he seemed remorseful.
Whats wrong, Dan?
I only told you half the truth, sir.
Half?
Im sorry. Help me! I need help!
Dr. Coburn closed the door to his den, and said consolingly, Tell me all about it, son.
I cant believe it but it happened. I had a lapse.
Hillary Clinton To Become Republican
Hillary Clinton, long famously popular among Democrats but obsessively excoriated by Republicans, has decided to turn the tables on her opponents by becoming one of them. In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, Theres an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didnt have to spend anymore time as a Democrat.”
Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized his condition was primarily due to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he determined to remedy his verbal dereliction and signed up for a course at Dale Carnegie, where he expected to learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.
At his first class, however, he found himself unable to listen calmly to his lecturer and began to dispute with him. Youre just not living in the real world,” he announced. “Let me show you how it really is.
Here are selections from Cheneys revisions of Carnegie’s teachings.
Carnegie: Dont criticize, condemn, or complain.
Cheney: Easy fix. Just erase the word Dont.
Carnegie: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Cheney: Another easy fix. Lets add back the word Dont.
Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Given the current state of Americas feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually some likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread and reach for Rudy.
Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine
While the Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as a theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution the availability of food and, in time, wine.
We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive Newslaugh interview.
NewsLaugh: Would you please explain your theory?
Dumier: But, of course, monsieur. The great flaw in Darwins Theory is that he puts Natural Selection before the existence of food to select.
NewsLaugh: Say, thats interesting. Can you elaborate?
Dumier: It is my pleasure to do so. To me his Theory of Evolution does not make a primary place for the existence of food. Let me explain. Do you think the fish evolved in the ocean before there was plankton for them to dine on? Of course, not. They would have starved! And, if they could not survive, how could you have Survival of the Fittest?
NewsLaugh: Do you have another theory to propose?
Dumier: Oui, monsieur. Survival of the Fullest.
Peace-Loving Muslim Located; Expresses Normal Human Concerns
Noting the way violent and irrational Muslims have dominated the news, while the Muslim masses and, most inexcusably, Muslim clerics have in general remained reticent about the scandalously murderous terrorist talk and the mayhem the lunatics advocate, we decided there must be, among the worlds billion or so Muslims, any number of normal, peace-loving and, on a wild bet, perhaps even modern-minded, acolytes. So we began our tireless search to see if we might find such a rare and wonderful countercurrent to the tide that is sweeping the Muslim religion ever more beyond the shoreline of what sane and civilized people consider blessed.
Were delighted to tell you that, after an extensive search, we were, in fact, able to locate at least one such exceptional and distinguished soul. Obviously, there may be others out there, but theyre just not being visibly vocal, unless, of course, a cartoon shows up that they decide is offensive.
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How! (Installment 1)
Excellent, Dan! See you today for your first class, Dr. Richard Coburn told the universitys star football player, who had just called to sign up for the doctors controversial course in abstinence, which was based on his hot new book, Just Say No To Sex. Since Dan Fox, like many a star athlete, was much beloved by the girls, his call had surprised even the ebulliently confident doctor.
Just as Dr. Coburn hung up, his lovely and voluptuous daughter, who was also his prize student, returned from class, pausing just long enough to wave good-bye to the latest throng of male admirers who hooted from a passing convertible.
Happy Trails, America! But Where Are They?
Judging by the current national sentiment, Uncle Sam has once again wandered off the happy trails on which wed prefer him to ride. But can we, just the usual joshing sidekick, possibly help him wend his way back through the tumbleweeds?
Well, at least, we can give it a go.
To begin, let’s ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often wander so distressingly far from the path on which we may find the preconditions of contentment, including the wide laudation of our allies, and even encouragement toward our own bliss?
What if we search for clues by separating what has guided us, nationally and internationally, into two visions: the steps we, as a nation, must take and the steps we choose to take.
As you will see in the full story, we will discover, in our search for the way home, where we have often been led astray: primarily, international conduct about which we have a choice.
And we will conclude by saying that what we need is not the coercion of those who disagree with us, but the encouragement of those who wish to emulate us.
What we need is America, not so much as a power in the world, but more as an example that might truly win the world to what we believe are the most salutary ideals.
With such signposts, we might once again find ourselves on happy trails and know, for the first time, how to keep ourselves and our fabled white charger squarely on them.
Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR’s Basement
Democrats, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Desperate to grasp the new grail, a leading member of the party found himself inspired to make a pilgrimage to the estate of the legendary Democrat, FDR, to meditate toward an electable new vision.
Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face
Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face.
Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat.
So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.
Terrorist Receives Surprise Sendoff; Meets His Allah
As all the world knows, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the self-appointed and savage representative of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, was given a surprise sendoff last week. What no one seems to know is what happened when he met his Allah before the entrance to the paradise he and his fellow misrepresentatives of Islams best hopes long to be whisked away to.
Fortunately, we were there. How, you might ask?
When we heard that Mr. Al-Zarqawi was finally the object of his just reward, we, of course, did like most of the weary and repelled observers of his atrocities and bid him a speedy journey to his well-deserved destiny. But we also sent an email to Allah, asking if we could witness his arrival at what Mr. Zarqawi and other leading terrorists insist, all the better to influence their ill-informed stooges, is The Gate Where 27 Virgins Await.
We now present, recorded with our persistent care, the somewhat heated conversation between Allah and the rightly flabbergasted Mr. Al-Zarqawi, who approached somewhat groggy from the explosion that propelled him to eternity, but when he beheld Allah, he managed a hopeful smile.