Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.
Italian Man Asks Wrong Question About Christ; Court Agrees To Hear Case
As you know, an Italian gentleman has challenged the Catholic Church to prove that Christ existed, and, while the case was, somewhat expectedly, tossed out in an Italian court, the plaintiff, undaunted, found a court in Strasbourg that has agreed to hear it. It remains to be revealed who the Catholic Church will designate to defend its historical foundation.
Should we flinch from such a touchy subject and leave you to your own puzzlements? No, dear reader, rest assured that we will never abandon you out of fear to follow whatever the ever-surprising pageant of daily events may present to our fretted brow but smiling aspect. After all, how much more refreshingly salutary it is to realize we can share even the most subtle adumbrations that flit through our evanescent moments of self-awareness.
So what is, in our opinion, the correct question?
Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then theres the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally Im very much against banning it.
Lets face it, a Spanish opponent commented, Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that Id rather die in a bullring than quit.
Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Given the current state of Americas feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually some likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread and reach for Rudy.
Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips
The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip.
As one American tourist commented, I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. Im also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think Ill make an exception.
New Reality Show Debuts, Called New Orleans, Sink Or Swim
As if Katrina wasnt a bad enough blow for New Orleans, geologists now inform us that, due to more exact measurements via satellite, they have been able to determine that the down but not out metropolis is sinking faster than previously thought instead of about a fifth of an inch a year, about an inch, which is, of course, about a foot every dozen years.
Always keen to ride the crest of a new wave onto megabuck beach, a television production company, having alighted on an enormous pot of gold with a previous, highly imaginative reality show, has honed in on the sinking city and created a new show, called New Orleans, Sink Or Swim. The concept immediately sparked interest in the equally imaginative creative minds at the networks, and ABC raced to option it.
Iraq Opens Suicide Bomber Range; Calls It Twice-Blessed Paradise Express
In an effort to reduce the loss of life and limb by suicide bombers, the Iraqi government has opened a suicide bomber range. The government’s intention is to encourage all those who are determined to carry out such an explosive termination to execute the insane plan in a way that is being hailed as twice-blessed.
The government maintains that it will be blessed because, one, the bombers will be carrying out their hope of putting themselves on the expressway to the paradise of their dreams and, two, they will accomplish their mission without blasting off with anyone else.
As Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki stated, “We have established a way for the suicide bombers to achieve their highest goal in a far more considerate way; now, they can blow themselves up in sanctimonious privacy.
Europeans Press Iran; Present Cartoon Of Bombs Dropping On Nuclear Plants
European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.
During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.
The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?
A Life Of Lorenzo Da Ponte: Talent Flies; Practical Reason Walks
Among the worlds favorite operas, we find three of them with a libretto penned by Lorenzo Da Ponte and music by none other than the astonishingly delightful Viennese ear-confectioner Mozart. The list is a delight in itself: The Marriage of Figaro, Don Giovann, and Così Fan Tutte.
We learn in the new book, The Librettist of Venice, by Rodney Bolt, that Da Ponte grew so close with the unequalled Mozart both of whom, we learn, were not only talented but vain, insecure and …
Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into
The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath.
He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: “The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death.”
New Dracula Musical To Close, Except On Nights With Full Moon
Lestat, the new musical about vampires, if the mind can conceive of such an existent, having been sucked dry at the box office, is performing the most welcome service it has since its debut. Its closing.
The notice did provide, however, for the show to remain open on nights that feature a full moon.
Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy
During secret talks with Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, insurgents admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days. Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. May the day soon come when enough of the knuckleheads realize the error of their war.