They bring themselves to our attention by committing to memory, or by reading off one kind of prompter or another, words devised by others. But once they ascend to the starry vault that hovers over us, do we expect of them anything consonant with the ability to recite the usual inanities? No, suddenly we want these storied performers to transform themselves into the wise harbingers of original insight and exemplary advice.
In Mogadishu, Coke Is Branded As The Infidel Thing
Islamic militants who have taken over in Mogadishu and dropped the dark veil of medievalism over the minds of the citizenry have branded Coca-Cola as un-Islamic.
A hard-line sheik has declared that Westerners are enemies of Islam and their products should not be consumed.
The man has followers. One, who owns a tea shop, said, “Out of ignorance, I was selling and drinking Coca-Cola, but now I hate it so much.’
Ehud Olmert, MD, Lances Inflammed Boil; Aims To Drain Infection
Noticing that inflammatory behavior by Hezbollah and Hamas has been festering more and more acutely, Ehud Olmert, MD in this case, Military Doctor decided that, to avoid a wider infection, he had to lance the boil immediately.
The life-threatening activities of Hezbollah and Hamas had simply reached a point where sugical intervention became imperative.
While all who care about human life must regret the loss and maiming of it anywhere, we also know that Lebanon is too weak to clean out Hezbollah itself, while Hamas in Gaza has no intention of remedying itself.
Bin Laden Sighted In Karachi; May Turn Self In
Reports of Osama Bin Ladens whereabouts took a new turn this week when a Pakistani woman reported sighting a tall man in a white robe with matching turban hit his head on a low doorway.
The woman’s suspicions about the identity of the man were further aroused when she noticed the entrance led to a recording studio.
So as not to create suspicion, she approached him without revealing who she thought he might be.
Are you all right? she asked, with demur innocence.
No, he said. How can I be all right? Besides just cracking my head on this low doorway, Im Osama Bin Laden.
Really? she replied, thinking of the $25-million reward for turning him in, as well as her opportunity to contribute to the triumph of justice.
Al-Qaeda in Iraq Announces New Leader. Or Do They?
In the wake of the sudden death of its now fragmented leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda in Iraq polled its somewhat shaken members about who would like to take over Mr. Zarqawis job. After a determined effort, the group was able to find a terrorist who, though expressing understandable reluctance, was eventually persuaded to accept the expectedly short-lived position.
Sex Change Procedure Creates New Species, Neither All Male Nor All Female
Due to a revolutionary procedure, an entirely new species of human is now afoot on the earth neither all male nor all female. And people who have undergone the procedure seem delighted.
A mostly female member of the species confided, When you become a new species, it changes your whole outlook. Im no longer really flamingly female or, for that matter, flamingly male. It makes me really happy.
Im an early adapter, a mostly male person who had undergone the procedure told us. As a result, I often feel ahead of my time, but, wow, when I come across another person who has gone through it, we really hit it off.
Another primarily female incarnation of the remarkable development confided, When you become a third species, it changes your whole outlook. Im no longer really agressively female and certainly not rabidly male.
What exactly is this revolutionary procedure?
We spoke with Dr. Emil Changemaker, the founder of the technique, and asked, We understand youve created a new species of human being. Can you please elaborate?
Happy to oblige. First, this sex change operation requires no surgery.
It doesnt? we asked, surprised.
No, the change occurs, not between the legs, but between the ears.
Microsoft Postpones Plan To Introduce At Least One Original Idea
Imagine the complexities, not to mention the complexes, attendant to being the worlds largest software manufacturer when your principal original idea so far has been a cheaper price than Apple?
Microsoft may well qualify as the American company to achieve the most success without introducing to the needy world at least one original idea, unless, of course, a low-down price can be construed as such a welcome contribution.
Lets look at the spotty history of, not innovation, but imitation.
Internet, Which Began As Tech Wizardry, Ends Up As Ad Wizardry
The Internet, which began as the inspiration and implementation of technical wizards, has apparently ended up as the playground of advertising wizards. Witness the incessant publicity about such Internet prodigies as Google Adwords. And wherever can you click that an ad doesnt flash at you, featuring one beast or another, from a barrel of monkeys to a cobra, or glitteraty type - all in an energetic effort to call your attention to everything from low mortgage rates to cures for erectile dysfunction.
Dolphins Know Each Other By Name; Also Play Poker On Saturday Night
Dolphins, which we already know are unusually bright, especially for mammals without arms or legs, are apparently even smarter than we suspected.
Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video
Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.
Here’s how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera. The only condition is, upon receipt, he has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it.
Senate Takes Up Debate On Regular Marriage
The Senate, fresh from its rancorous but indecisive debate on a constitutional amendment that would have banned same-sex marriage, has now taken up debate on an amendment that would ban regular marriage.
A leading Republican senator stated, When you consider how high the divorce rate is, you know there are a lot of unhappy marriages out there between men and women. Im not sure continuing to allow them is in the national interest.
Mexico Solves Immigration Problem; Becomes Part Of China
In a startling announcement, President Vicente Fox of Mexico revealed that his nation has solved its immigration problem with the U. S. by requesting annexation as a province of China. As a result of its new status, a plentitude of domestic jobs will be available.
He made the surprise announcement, not during his recent visit to America, but immediately upon returning to Mexico.
Mexicans by the millions cheered the decision, throwing fiestas nationwide, with shouts of Viva Mexico! Viva China! And the air rang out with the triumphant neologism, MexiChina, Ole!