Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable of assembling the capacity to out the oil itself, the island nation has begun to license drilling rights to other countr…
Jimmy Hoffa Continues To Evade FBI
As the FBI, operating on a tip from a prisoner who reported witnessing suspicious activity on the night of Jimmy Hoffas disappearance, continued to search for the former teamster leader, he was somehow still able to evade capture.
Although Mr. Hoffa disappeared over fifty years ago, no sign of him or his remains have been detected, despite numerous tips of eithers possible whereabouts.
Given the run-ins the teamster boss had with the FBI during the period when he was definitely alive, some observes say it is no wonder he refuses to be located.
Exactly What Does “Stand Down” Mean?
While were certain that the phrase “stand down,” which we hear with unaccustomed frequency in reference to our someday departure from Iraq, has a long and venerable history, we still cannot help but be niggled by what appears to us the apparent illogic of the postural invocation.
While we are not certain about the general experience of the human race, we are at least in regard to ourselves, pretty well convinced that the idea of stand is strikingly at variance with the positional adjustment required to achieve the state of being down.
Bush Reveals New Missile Defense; Guides Weapon Back To Launching Pad
Rest easy, America, even when you contemplate the abbreviated flight of North Koreas errant but someday, they hope, long-range Taepodong 2 missile a name that, should the nation ever decide to enter the capitalist hustings, doesnt sound like a very promising appellation for a new car.
In the wake of the miscalculated launch of seven missiles by North Korea, including a Taepodong 2, President Bush told reporter Larry Wing in an exclusive interview, Weve got a missile defense system that will defend our country. We dont just shoot down the enemy missile. We guide it back to where it came from. So anybody who launches a missile at the United States of America better clear out, because soon itll be on the way back at them, point first.
Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards; Some Recipients Swam In Champagne
A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne and good stuff, too.
Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters. The establishment, upon hearing of the purchase, has nobly agreed to refund the amount to FEMA.
Other items that emergency cards were used to purchase are the following:
A flotation device of questionable effect, called diamond jewelry.
Terrorist Receives Surprise Sendoff; Meets His Allah
As all the world knows, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the self-appointed and savage representative of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, was given a surprise sendoff last week. What no one seems to know is what happened when he met his Allah before the entrance to the paradise he and his fellow misrepresentatives of Islams best hopes long to be whisked away to.
Fortunately, we were there. How, you might ask?
When we heard that Mr. Al-Zarqawi was finally the object of his just reward, we, of course, did like most of the weary and repelled observers of his atrocities and bid him a speedy journey to his well-deserved destiny. But we also sent an email to Allah, asking if we could witness his arrival at what Mr. Zarqawi and other leading terrorists insist, all the better to influence their ill-informed stooges, is The Gate Where 27 Virgins Await.
We now present, recorded with our persistent care, the somewhat heated conversation between Allah and the rightly flabbergasted Mr. Al-Zarqawi, who approached somewhat groggy from the explosion that propelled him to eternity, but when he beheld Allah, he managed a hopeful smile.
New Reality Show Debuts, Called New Orleans, Sink Or Swim
As if Katrina wasnt a bad enough blow for New Orleans, geologists now inform us that, due to more exact measurements via satellite, they have been able to determine that the down but not out metropolis is sinking faster than previously thought instead of about a fifth of an inch a year, about an inch, which is, of course, about a foot every dozen years.
Always keen to ride the crest of a new wave onto megabuck beach, a television production company, having alighted on an enormous pot of gold with a previous, highly imaginative reality show, has honed in on the sinking city and created a new show, called New Orleans, Sink Or Swim. The concept immediately sparked interest in the equally imaginative creative minds at the networks, and ABC raced to option it.
Italian Man Asks Wrong Question About Christ; Court Agrees To Hear Case
As you know, an Italian gentleman has challenged the Catholic Church to prove that Christ existed, and, while the case was, somewhat expectedly, tossed out in an Italian court, the plaintiff, undaunted, found a court in Strasbourg that has agreed to hear it. It remains to be revealed who the Catholic Church will designate to defend its historical foundation.
Should we flinch from such a touchy subject and leave you to your own puzzlements? No, dear reader, rest assured that we will never abandon you out of fear to follow whatever the ever-surprising pageant of daily events may present to our fretted brow but smiling aspect. After all, how much more refreshingly salutary it is to realize we can share even the most subtle adumbrations that flit through our evanescent moments of self-awareness.
So what is, in our opinion, the correct question?
Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then theres the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally Im very much against banning it.
Lets face it, a Spanish opponent commented, Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that Id rather die in a bullring than quit.
Bush Meets Maliki. May Trade Jobs.
President Bush made a secret trip to Iraq to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to assure him that the U. S. will continue to support efforts to stabilize and rebuild Iraq. Mr. Maliki thanked him and assured him that he would do everything to increase President Bushs approval ratings. After further discussions, the two leaders agreed that the best way to accomplish both goals may be to exchange jobs.
Another Dracula, Another Flop
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of a Mickey Mouse caper. As even the blind could foresee, the critics went for the jugular.
As we often say about working with an idea that doesnt have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you cant make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, its bound to fall back down.
Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips
The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip.
As one American tourist commented, I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. Im also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think Ill make an exception.