Hillary Clinton, long famously popular among Democrats but obsessively excoriated by Republicans, has decided to turn the tables on her opponents by becoming one of them. In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, Theres an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didnt have to spend anymore time as a Democrat.”
Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized his condition was primarily due to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he determined to remedy his verbal dereliction and signed up for a course at Dale Carnegie, where he expected to learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.
At his first class, however, he found himself unable to listen calmly to his lecturer and began to dispute with him. Youre just not living in the real world,” he announced. “Let me show you how it really is.
Here are selections from Cheneys revisions of Carnegie’s teachings.
Carnegie: Dont criticize, condemn, or complain.
Cheney: Easy fix. Just erase the word Dont.
Carnegie: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Cheney: Another easy fix. Lets add back the word Dont.
Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video
Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.
Here’s how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera. The only condition is, upon receipt, he has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it.
America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed
If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedoms fading star, its somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians dont completely get the nod, because theyre still camped out on reservations.
Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, were easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last, in the event of a surprise nuclear war, maybe another billionth of a second.
So lets ask the question that, as far as we know, has yet to be considered. How might we band of explosive rabble rousers last for another five billion years, rather than self-destructing any time sooner?
First, of course, we should consider dealing with the biggest tomahawks that are in the air, primarily, the three Bs, by which we dont mean the names of three eternal classical composers but pollution, population, and pop goes the A-Bomb.
Meanwhile, what invitingly positive items might we busy ourselves with during the next five billion years or so? After all, our unrealistic and yet, we suspect, achievable goal is more than just hanging on for the essentially eternal ride; its enjoying the wondrous flight through space and time.
Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash
The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted We are hungry!
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza. He had slipped in from Egypt, on his way back from a successful begging trip to Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, China, Pakistan, Iran and Egypt.
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How! (Installment 1)
Excellent, Dan! See you today for your first class, Dr. Richard Coburn told the universitys star football player, who had just called to sign up for the doctors controversial course in abstinence, which was based on his hot new book, Just Say No To Sex. Since Dan Fox, like many a star athlete, was much beloved by the girls, his call had surprised even the ebulliently confident doctor.
Just as Dr. Coburn hung up, his lovely and voluptuous daughter, who was also his prize student, returned from class, pausing just long enough to wave good-bye to the latest throng of male admirers who hooted from a passing convertible.
Happy Trails, America! But Where Are They?
Judging by the current national sentiment, Uncle Sam has once again wandered off the happy trails on which wed prefer him to ride. But can we, just the usual joshing sidekick, possibly help him wend his way back through the tumbleweeds?
Well, at least, we can give it a go.
To begin, let’s ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often wander so distressingly far from the path on which we may find the preconditions of contentment, including the wide laudation of our allies, and even encouragement toward our own bliss?
What if we search for clues by separating what has guided us, nationally and internationally, into two visions: the steps we, as a nation, must take and the steps we choose to take.
As you will see in the full story, we will discover, in our search for the way home, where we have often been led astray: primarily, international conduct about which we have a choice.
And we will conclude by saying that what we need is not the coercion of those who disagree with us, but the encouragement of those who wish to emulate us.
What we need is America, not so much as a power in the world, but more as an example that might truly win the world to what we believe are the most salutary ideals.
With such signposts, we might once again find ourselves on happy trails and know, for the first time, how to keep ourselves and our fabled white charger squarely on them.
Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR’s Basement
Democrats, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Desperate to grasp the new grail, a leading member of the party found himself inspired to make a pilgrimage to the estate of the legendary Democrat, FDR, to meditate toward an electable new vision.
Bill Gates to Devote Life To Charity; Make Money And You Can, Too
Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education.
His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As we listened to the meritorious goals heaped on the recent graduates, so they might achieve goals the speakers generation has found impossible, we could not help but think, why doesnt somebody come out and tell the youthful aspirants what the real challenge is?
Like it or not, todays world, as well as many another age, is conducted by two primary forces: wealth and power, and, other than resort to firearms, power springs from wealth.
America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior
The lead attorny for America stated, “Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has. We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, were savvy business people to know we just cant afford the worldwide upkeep. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.”
Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It’s The Smoking Throat
OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if “Smoky, The Scare” gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn’t it be more reassuring if the word Prevention was in the Society’s name?)
Now, thats what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century.
And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveward bound souls a year.
Now, heres the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, “We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040.”
So heres our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And were not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously havent listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot.