No, its not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.
Another Dracula, Another Flop
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of a Mickey Mouse caper. As even the blind could foresee, the critics went for the jugular.
As we often say about working with an idea that doesnt have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you cant make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, its bound to fall back down.
Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips
The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip.
As one American tourist commented, I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. Im also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think Ill make an exception.
Peace-Loving Muslim Located; Expresses Normal Human Concerns
Noting the way violent and irrational Muslims have dominated the news, while the Muslim masses and, most inexcusably, Muslim clerics have in general remained reticent about the scandalously murderous terrorist talk and the mayhem the lunatics advocate, we decided there must be, among the worlds billion or so Muslims, any number of normal, peace-loving and, on a wild bet, perhaps even modern-minded, acolytes. So we began our tireless search to see if we might find such a rare and wonderful countercurrent to the tide that is sweeping the Muslim religion ever more beyond the shoreline of what sane and civilized people consider blessed.
Were delighted to tell you that, after an extensive search, we were, in fact, able to locate at least one such exceptional and distinguished soul. Obviously, there may be others out there, but theyre just not being visibly vocal, unless, of course, a cartoon shows up that they decide is offensive.
Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the sixth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
“Good. You wont be sorry. She knows the material very nearly as well as I do. With that, he handed Dan the issue of Playboy, and said, Review the material while I get her.
Yes, doctor, Dan replied, and accepted his assignment.
He looked over the centerfold, while Dr. Coburn went to get his guest instruc
Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; “Illegal” Not In Spanish Dictionary
Hispanic iimmigrants by the thousands demonstrated about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo. While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.
We looked into the matter and discovered that the word illegal is actually not in the Spanish dictionary. We entered the English version in an online Spanish-English dictionary, which returned the following result: Spanish Matches: Sorry, no Spanish matches found.
This explanation seemed too easy, so we decided we had inadequately pursued the matter and went at it again. We then learned that there is indeed a Spanish word for illegal, but, expectedly enough, its spelled slightly differently, as ilegal.
Why, we wondered, hadnt the distinction received at least a tip of the sombrero and if there is an intelligent way to resolve the border dispute? Here is our charitably inclusive resolution.
Dolphins Know Each Other By Name; Also Play Poker On Saturday Night
Dolphins, which we already know are unusually bright, especially for mammals without arms or legs, are apparently even smarter than we suspected.
Bin Laden Sighted In Karachi; May Turn Self In
Reports of Osama Bin Ladens whereabouts took a new turn this week when a Pakistani woman reported sighting a tall man in a white robe with matching turban hit his head on a low doorway.
The woman’s suspicions about the identity of the man were further aroused when she noticed the entrance led to a recording studio.
So as not to create suspicion, she approached him without revealing who she thought he might be.
Are you all right? she asked, with demur innocence.
No, he said. How can I be all right? Besides just cracking my head on this low doorway, Im Osama Bin Laden.
Really? she replied, thinking of the $25-million reward for turning him in, as well as her opportunity to contribute to the triumph of justice.
Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever
Curiously enough, the mummys bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her. An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tenderness and weaponry by stating, My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.
Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into
The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath.
He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: “The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death.”
Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
Pat Robertson, in the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, appeared on his transparently acquisitive TV program visibly shaken, and announced, God has told me something else, and its something I didnt want to hear. He said, Pat, you lost your mind.
Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
God went on to ask, Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed.
And did you recently tell people I told you that this year Im going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed again.
But, Pat, ask yourself, if Im the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?
You mean, you didnt say them?’ I asked.
“Heck, no! God exclaimed. Ive got my reputation to consider.'”
Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How
Then he headed for the door, as Melanie went upstairs. He drew it open, and said, Dan, my boy, come in.
Thank you, Dr. Coburn.
How are things going?
Great! Just great!
Excellent, Dr. Coburn exclaimed. Tell me, how are you dealing with the numerous opportunities that seem to come your way?”
No problem.
Haven’t by any chance succumbed to any, have you?
No, sir.
Not even once?
No, not once, sir, he said, but his voice broke and he seemed remorseful.
Whats wrong, Dan?
I only told you half the truth, sir.
Half?
Im sorry. Help me! I need help!
Dr. Coburn closed the door to his den, and said consolingly, Tell me all about it, son.
I cant believe it but it happened. I had a lapse.