President Bush made a secret trip to Iraq to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to assure him that the U. S. will continue to support efforts to stabilize and rebuild Iraq. Mr. Maliki thanked him and assured him that he would do everything to increase President Bushs approval ratings. After further discussions, the two leaders agreed that the best way to accomplish both goals may be to exchange jobs.
Another Dracula, Another Flop
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of a Mickey Mouse caper. As even the blind could foresee, the critics went for the jugular.
As we often say about working with an idea that doesnt have a life of its own, you can stand up a dead body, but you cant make it sing and dance, and, once you let go, its bound to fall back down.
Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense
Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.
Mexico Solves Immigration Problem; Becomes Part Of China
In a startling announcement, President Vicente Fox of Mexico revealed that his nation has solved its immigration problem with the U. S. by requesting annexation as a province of China. As a result of its new status, a plentitude of domestic jobs will be available.
He made the surprise announcement, not during his recent visit to America, but immediately upon returning to Mexico.
Mexicans by the millions cheered the decision, throwing fiestas nationwide, with shouts of Viva Mexico! Viva China! And the air rang out with the triumphant neologism, MexiChina, Ole!
In Mogadishu, Coke Is Branded As The Infidel Thing
Islamic militants who have taken over in Mogadishu and dropped the dark veil of medievalism over the minds of the citizenry have branded Coca-Cola as un-Islamic.
A hard-line sheik has declared that Westerners are enemies of Islam and their products should not be consumed.
The man has followers. One, who owns a tea shop, said, “Out of ignorance, I was selling and drinking Coca-Cola, but now I hate it so much.’
Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then theres the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally Im very much against banning it.
Lets face it, a Spanish opponent commented, Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that Id rather die in a bullring than quit.
Bush And Blair Admit Mistakes In Iraq; Vow To Continue
Meeting in Washington, Prime Minister Tony Blair and President Bush took to the podium to admit that everything in Iraq has not unfolded as they had hoped but the President insisted, We’ve learned from our mistakes, and, if the past is any indication, we will continue to make them.”
Prime Minister Blair added, And you can be absolutely certain that we will continue to learn from them.
Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever
Curiously enough, the mummys bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her. An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tenderness and weaponry by stating, My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.
U. S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B. S. Into Fuel
A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He launched an experiment and turned it into a new fuel, called Bio-Super. Its the most concentrated fuel in history, he reported, with an octane rating of 99.9.”
Robots Getting Smarter; Plan To Enter Politics
Robotic IQ is apparently on the up tick.
Now, we read, the accomplished mechanical wonders can drive, as long theres not too much to steer around, be watchful lifeguards, and mimic human behavior in video games. And how far a leap is it from video games to political shenanigans?
So any number of the brainy bots have been discussing how they might enter what is, legendarily, one of the worlds least demanding occupations in terms of intellect: politics.
Mexican Immigrants Flock To National Guard; Hope To Patrol Border
On hearing of President Bushs intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, Mexican immigrants flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty. While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, told us, The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico. Now we have a much better chance of helping them get to America.
Internet, Which Began As Tech Wizardry, Ends Up As Ad Wizardry
The Internet, which began as the inspiration and implementation of technical wizards, has apparently ended up as the playground of advertising wizards. Witness the incessant publicity about such Internet prodigies as Google Adwords. And wherever can you click that an ad doesnt flash at you, featuring one beast or another, from a barrel of monkeys to a cobra, or glitteraty type - all in an energetic effort to call your attention to everything from low mortgage rates to cures for erectile dysfunction.