(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the third installment; previous ones are available on this site and presented below each new installment at NewsLaugh, in case you miss one or more.)
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a readers request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, Why do you always talk about other people? Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself. Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?
Conversation In An Age Of Confusion
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?
Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered
In an effort to return basketball to the widely popular place it held in the hearts and minds of average-size and short Americans before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, The National Basketball Association is considering legitimizing a basket height that will allow even really short people to slam-dunk the ball and hang by the hoop to express their delight over a particularly good play. If the sport for shorts catches on, the association may establish an entirely new league.
Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, were easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
It seems to us, however, that we have far more immediate concerns, for example, if we can last, in the event of a surprise nuclear war, maybe another billionth of a second.
So lets ask the question that, as far as we know, has yet to be considered. How might we band of explosive rabble rousers last for another five billion years, rather than self-destructing any time sooner?
First, of course, we should consider dealing with the biggest tomahawks that are in the air, primarily, the three Bs, by which we dont mean the names of three eternal classical composers but pollution, population, and pop goes the A-Bomb.
Meanwhile, what invitingly positive items might we busy ourselves with during the next five billion years or so? After all, our unrealistic and yet, we suspect, achievable goal is more than just hanging on for the essentially eternal ride; its enjoying the wondrous flight through space and time.
Oil Exploration Update: U.S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable of assembling the capacity to out the oil itself, the island nation has begun to license drilling rights to other countr…
Just Say No To Sex
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
“They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions,” Dr. Coburn replied. “As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world and now they see a practical way to proceed.
We shall see. But, even if you are able to inculcate your linguistic nonsense, how long do you expect they’ll abstain before their fulminating libidos overwhelm your flimsy barricades?
Until they are comfortably and safely married. I also assume that the most diligent students will continue to maintain a commendable degree of procreative moderation in wedlock.
Please, theyd all be much safer simply using condoms.
Getty Museum Decides To Donate Its Building To Italy
The J. Paul Getty Trust has agreed to return “significant objects” to Italy from its collection of Etruscan and Roman art, including “several masterpieces.” It appears that many objects in the museum were looted from Italy and made their way to the museum though illicit dealers.
To facilitate a settlement with Italy over its claims to antiquities in the Getty Museum, the trust also agreed to donate its building to Italy.
Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Being a movie buff with smiling memories of Jimmy Cagney, Joey, more in debt than usual, found himself in a familiar role. Joey, do you hear me? the customer service rep called through a bullhorn. This is Verizon.
Whaddaya want? Joey called back. This is a final disconnect notice,” the voice shot back.
Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity of Seniors In Marathons
As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude. This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or youre over-the-hill group stated, Look, if Im going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.
Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It’s The Smoking Throat
OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if “Smoky, The Scare” gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn’t it be more reassuring if the word Prevention was in the Society’s name?)
Now, thats what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century.
And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveward bound souls a year.
Now, heres the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, “We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040.”
So heres our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And were not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously havent listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot.
Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.