No, its not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.
America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed
If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedoms fading star, its somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians dont completely get the nod, because theyre still camped out on reservations.
The Topless CPA
This place is amazing, Todd told Lila, the topless dancer who had just charged him for touching her hand. Is there anything you dont charge for?
Not very many, she joked.
Howd it get that way? he wanted to know.
It was started by a dancer who saved up and got her CPA.
Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy
As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of the wealthiest. The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population has now become so acute that the majority of Americans are all set to declare bankruptcy.
Man Loses Memory; Shows Up At Emergency Room
How did it happen,” the intern asked, “a tramautic emotional event, a knock on the head?
No, no, nothing like that, the businessman replied, taking out his PDA. You see, I keep everything in my electronic organizer. At first, it was a convenience. Then, over time, I became dependent on it. My own memory withered from disuse. Finally, I couldn’t remember anything without it. Then today, it happened.
Humanist Terrorists Nabbed In Miami; Planned To Plant Explosive Books
A group that calls itself humanist terrorists was apprehended by the FBI in a preemptive strike in Miami. The terrorist cell, which claims affiliation with the Middle Atlantic terror group all-Libraries, was infiltrated by an FBI operative.
The leader of the group confided to the informant that the members planned to plant explosive books in various locations throughout the United States, including the Sears Tower, a number of FBI buildings, and radical Muslim mosques.
The humanist terrorist group had been operating out of the basement of an as yet undisclosed free public library in Miami. The FBI found plentiful evidence of the groups plans, including many intelligent books generally considered to be easily accessible and therefore highly dangerous.
Ehud Olmert, MD, Lances Inflammed Boil; Aims To Drain Infection
Noticing that inflammatory behavior by Hezbollah and Hamas has been festering more and more acutely, Ehud Olmert, MD in this case, Military Doctor decided that, to avoid a wider infection, he had to lance the boil immediately.
The life-threatening activities of Hezbollah and Hamas had simply reached a point where sugical intervention became imperative.
While all who care about human life must regret the loss and maiming of it anywhere, we also know that Lebanon is too weak to clean out Hezbollah itself, while Hamas in Gaza has no intention of remedying itself.
Bin Laden Sighted In Karachi; May Turn Self In
Reports of Osama Bin Ladens whereabouts took a new turn this week when a Pakistani woman reported sighting a tall man in a white robe with matching turban hit his head on a low doorway.
The woman’s suspicions about the identity of the man were further aroused when she noticed the entrance led to a recording studio.
So as not to create suspicion, she approached him without revealing who she thought he might be.
Are you all right? she asked, with demur innocence.
No, he said. How can I be all right? Besides just cracking my head on this low doorway, Im Osama Bin Laden.
Really? she replied, thinking of the $25-million reward for turning him in, as well as her opportunity to contribute to the triumph of justice.
America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior
The lead attorny for America stated, “Will you please tell us what other country in the world, besides your own, you would prefer to possess the amount of power America has. We are, in fact, the first nation in the history of the world that could conquer it but, in addition to being freedom-loving people that the whole idea offends, were savvy business people to know we just cant afford the worldwide upkeep. The only thing that stands in the way of a big win for the U. S. is finding a country where we can conduct the trial.”
The Da Vinci Code; This Year’s Biblical Box-Office Bonanza
Given the big numbers that major studios have to turn to make a return on a movie, its hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy hearts, consider the biggest subjects available. Here they can find one topic after another that, treated cannily enough, is guaranteed to outrage the sensibilities of millions of comparatively sincere and innocent people and, as a result, garner enough free publicity to ensure that just another mundane redo of Biblical history will become a must-see movie for millions.
Polygamists March; Demand Volume Discount On Marriage Licenses
The demonstration was incited when a breakaway member of the Mormon Church was buying so many marriage licenses that he had to rob a bank to pay for them. The bearded leader of the march explained, When people only buy one marriage license, we can see why they have to pay the full freight. But when youre like us and buy them on a regular basis, its only fair that you ought to get a break on the price.
Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the sixth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
“Good. You wont be sorry. She knows the material very nearly as well as I do. With that, he handed Dan the issue of Playboy, and said, Review the material while I get her.
Yes, doctor, Dan replied, and accepted his assignment.
He looked over the centerfold, while Dr. Coburn went to get his guest instruc