Democrats, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Desperate to grasp the new grail, a leading member of the party found himself inspired to make a pilgrimage to the estate of the legendary Democrat, FDR, to meditate toward an electable new vision.
Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Given the current state of Americas feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually some likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread and reach for Rudy.
Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips
The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip.
As one American tourist commented, I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. Im also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think Ill make an exception.
Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash
The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted We are hungry!
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza. He had slipped in from Egypt, on his way back from a successful begging trip to Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, China, Pakistan, Iran and Egypt.
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the fourth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
“But before I move on to the next section,” Dr. Coburn told Dan, “let me point out that you actually have, not just three, but an entire armory of defensive words you can turn to.
How do you figure?
Consider all the things that you immediately associate with the words I gave you. For example, take Tyrannosaurus Rex. What comes to mind?
Fossils,” Dan replied tentatively.
Good. And?
Bones.
Very good, Dr. Coburn commended him. Now try Texaco.
Gasoline.”
And Mexico?
Taco? Dan wondered.
Terrific!
Oh, I get it, he said. Taco, burrito, old bones, gasoline, self-service!”
Right! And whats the principle behind what weve just discovered? The core words of your defensive system have ancillary associations that you can hurl against an encroaching enemy when and if the need should arise.
Wow, talk about empowerment! I can think of associations all night.
Good. But these words only constitute your first line of defense. Now that youve mastered them, it’s time to move deeper into the Coburn Method, which brings us to my rock-solid Axioms of Abstinence. How are you holding up?
I’m ready to go on.
Government Monitors Phone Bills; Agrees To Pay Half
The National Security Administration, admitting it has monitored the phone bills of millions of Americans, decided to palliate the perturbed populace by agreeing to pay half of every American’s phone bill.
While consumers lauded the action, reaction on Capitol Hill was mixed, with Republicans maintaining that such a gesture is fiscally irresponsible. To shore up their case, they pointed to their unimpeachable conduct in regard to the national debt.
Crime Prevention And Horse Sense
Petting a friendly horse aside, discussion of their ability to speed here and there, an inevitable concomitant of law enforcement in Gotham, leads us to the contemplation of what we, as cringing pedestrians, would rather be run over by a police car or a police horse.
Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered
In an effort to return basketball to the widely popular place it held in the hearts and minds of average-size and short Americans before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, The National Basketball Association is considering legitimizing a basket height that will allow even really short people to slam-dunk the ball and hang by the hoop to express their delight over a particularly good play. If the sport for shorts catches on, the association may establish an entirely new league.
Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into
The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath.
He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: “The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death.”
Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction.
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the third installment; previous ones are available on this site and presented below each new installment at NewsLaugh, in case you miss one or more.)
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a readers request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, Why do you always talk about other people? Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself. Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?