We decided, at a readers request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, Why do you always talk about other people? Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself. Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?
Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Being a movie buff with smiling memories of Jimmy Cagney, Joey, more in debt than usual, found himself in a familiar role. Joey, do you hear me? the customer service rep called through a bullhorn. This is Verizon.
Whaddaya want? Joey called back. This is a final disconnect notice,” the voice shot back.
Baby Boomers Moderate Exercise; Notice Scarcity of Seniors In Marathons
As expected, however, hard-line boomers are adopting an over-exercise-until-you-drop attitude. This group is so determined they plan to exercise excessively, even if it means hobbling into old age due to self-inflicted hobbling. As another member of the over-exercise or youre over-the-hill group stated, Look, if Im going to need a knee replacement or two, I might as well be one of the first in my generation to get one.
Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips
The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip.
As one American tourist commented, I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. Im also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think Ill make an exception.
Oil Exploration Update: U.S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable of assembling the capacity to out the oil itself, the island nation has begun to license drilling rights to other countr…
Just Say No To Sex
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
“They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions,” Dr. Coburn replied. “As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world and now they see a practical way to proceed.
We shall see. But, even if you are able to inculcate your linguistic nonsense, how long do you expect they’ll abstain before their fulminating libidos overwhelm your flimsy barricades?
Until they are comfortably and safely married. I also assume that the most diligent students will continue to maintain a commendable degree of procreative moderation in wedlock.
Please, theyd all be much safer simply using condoms.
Getty Museum Decides To Donate Its Building To Italy
The J. Paul Getty Trust has agreed to return “significant objects” to Italy from its collection of Etruscan and Roman art, including “several masterpieces.” It appears that many objects in the museum were looted from Italy and made their way to the museum though illicit dealers.
To facilitate a settlement with Italy over its claims to antiquities in the Getty Museum, the trust also agreed to donate its building to Italy.
Chinese Leader Visits U. S. Shops For Sneakers
This is what fair trade is all about, he said. You give us things to make, and we make them.
A Revised History Of Pasta
As we note history changing at a record pace, from the recent unexpected surfacing of The Book of Judas to the unseating of Tyrannosaurus Rex as the largest-ever carnivore, we thought wed do our part by contributing a revised history of pasta, in which we claim the accolade for the Roman epicurean Julius Amplonius, who had the furious assistance of the invading barbarian Klunk, The Great.
Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into
The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath.
He decided the time had come from decisive government action. As a result, all hospitals must now display at the registration desk the following warning: “The Surgeon General has determined that hospitals may be hazardous to your health and may result in accidental death.”
Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.
Jimmy Hoffa Continues To Evade FBI
As the FBI, operating on a tip from a prisoner who reported witnessing suspicious activity on the night of Jimmy Hoffas disappearance, continued to search for the former teamster leader, he was somehow still able to evade capture.
Although Mr. Hoffa disappeared over fifty years ago, no sign of him or his remains have been detected, despite numerous tips of eithers possible whereabouts.
Given the run-ins the teamster boss had with the FBI during the period when he was definitely alive, some observes say it is no wonder he refuses to be located.