Hillary Clinton, long famously popular among Democrats but obsessively excoriated by Republicans, has decided to turn the tables on her opponents by becoming one of them. In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, Theres an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didnt have to spend anymore time as a Democrat.”
Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized his condition was primarily due to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he determined to remedy his verbal dereliction and signed up for a course at Dale Carnegie, where he expected to learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.
At his first class, however, he found himself unable to listen calmly to his lecturer and began to dispute with him. Youre just not living in the real world,” he announced. “Let me show you how it really is.
Here are selections from Cheneys revisions of Carnegie’s teachings.
Carnegie: Dont criticize, condemn, or complain.
Cheney: Easy fix. Just erase the word Dont.
Carnegie: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Cheney: Another easy fix. Lets add back the word Dont.
Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Given the current state of Americas feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually some likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread and reach for Rudy.
The Da Vinci Code; This Year’s Biblical Box-Office Bonanza
Given the big numbers that major studios have to turn to make a return on a movie, its hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy hearts, consider the biggest subjects available. Here they can find one topic after another that, treated cannily enough, is guaranteed to outrage the sensibilities of millions of comparatively sincere and innocent people and, as a result, garner enough free publicity to ensure that just another mundane redo of Biblical history will become a must-see movie for millions.
Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
Pat Robertson, in the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, appeared on his transparently acquisitive TV program visibly shaken, and announced, God has told me something else, and its something I didnt want to hear. He said, Pat, you lost your mind.
Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
God went on to ask, Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed.
And did you recently tell people I told you that this year Im going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed again.
But, Pat, ask yourself, if Im the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?
You mean, you didnt say them?’ I asked.
“Heck, no! God exclaimed. Ive got my reputation to consider.'”
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How! (Installment 1)
Excellent, Dan! See you today for your first class, Dr. Richard Coburn told the universitys star football player, who had just called to sign up for the doctors controversial course in abstinence, which was based on his hot new book, Just Say No To Sex. Since Dan Fox, like many a star athlete, was much beloved by the girls, his call had surprised even the ebulliently confident doctor.
Just as Dr. Coburn hung up, his lovely and voluptuous daughter, who was also his prize student, returned from class, pausing just long enough to wave good-bye to the latest throng of male admirers who hooted from a passing convertible.
Happy Trails, America! But Where Are They?
Judging by the current national sentiment, Uncle Sam has once again wandered off the happy trails on which wed prefer him to ride. But can we, just the usual joshing sidekick, possibly help him wend his way back through the tumbleweeds?
Well, at least, we can give it a go.
To begin, let’s ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often wander so distressingly far from the path on which we may find the preconditions of contentment, including the wide laudation of our allies, and even encouragement toward our own bliss?
What if we search for clues by separating what has guided us, nationally and internationally, into two visions: the steps we, as a nation, must take and the steps we choose to take.
As you will see in the full story, we will discover, in our search for the way home, where we have often been led astray: primarily, international conduct about which we have a choice.
And we will conclude by saying that what we need is not the coercion of those who disagree with us, but the encouragement of those who wish to emulate us.
What we need is America, not so much as a power in the world, but more as an example that might truly win the world to what we believe are the most salutary ideals.
With such signposts, we might once again find ourselves on happy trails and know, for the first time, how to keep ourselves and our fabled white charger squarely on them.
Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR’s Basement
Democrats, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Desperate to grasp the new grail, a leading member of the party found himself inspired to make a pilgrimage to the estate of the legendary Democrat, FDR, to meditate toward an electable new vision.
Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face
Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face.
Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat.
So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.
Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine
While the Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as a theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution the availability of food and, in time, wine.
We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive Newslaugh interview.
NewsLaugh: Would you please explain your theory?
Dumier: But, of course, monsieur. The great flaw in Darwins Theory is that he puts Natural Selection before the existence of food to select.
NewsLaugh: Say, thats interesting. Can you elaborate?
Dumier: It is my pleasure to do so. To me his Theory of Evolution does not make a primary place for the existence of food. Let me explain. Do you think the fish evolved in the ocean before there was plankton for them to dine on? Of course, not. They would have starved! And, if they could not survive, how could you have Survival of the Fittest?
NewsLaugh: Do you have another theory to propose?
Dumier: Oui, monsieur. Survival of the Fullest.
Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash
The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted We are hungry!
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza. He had slipped in from Egypt, on his way back from a successful begging trip to Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, China, Pakistan, Iran and Egypt.
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the fourth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
“But before I move on to the next section,” Dr. Coburn told Dan, “let me point out that you actually have, not just three, but an entire armory of defensive words you can turn to.
How do you figure?
Consider all the things that you immediately associate with the words I gave you. For example, take Tyrannosaurus Rex. What comes to mind?
Fossils,” Dan replied tentatively.
Good. And?
Bones.
Very good, Dr. Coburn commended him. Now try Texaco.
Gasoline.”
And Mexico?
Taco? Dan wondered.
Terrific!
Oh, I get it, he said. Taco, burrito, old bones, gasoline, self-service!”
Right! And whats the principle behind what weve just discovered? The core words of your defensive system have ancillary associations that you can hurl against an encroaching enemy when and if the need should arise.
Wow, talk about empowerment! I can think of associations all night.
Good. But these words only constitute your first line of defense. Now that youve mastered them, it’s time to move deeper into the Coburn Method, which brings us to my rock-solid Axioms of Abstinence. How are you holding up?
I’m ready to go on.