Timothy Ward takes a humorous look at HotorNot.com.
Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It’s The Smoking Throat
OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if “Smoky, The Scare” gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn’t it be more reassuring if the word Prevention was in the Society’s name?)
Now, thats what we call recreational population control. The figure amounts to ten times as many folks as smoking sent choking to the grave in the 20th century.
And ready for this? Tobacco use causes one in five cancer deaths, or a total of 1.4 million graveward bound souls a year.
Now, heres the good and much underappreciated news: Dr. Judity Mackay, a senior policy adviser of the World Health Organization, tells us, “We know with cancer, if we take action now, we can save 2 million lives a year by 2020 and 6.5 million by 2040.”
So heres our bit to stop cancer in its tracks. And were not going to pull any punches, because, if you still smoke, you obviously havent listened to anybody yet, and we care about you too much not to give you our best shot.
Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
Pat Robertson, in the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, appeared on his transparently acquisitive TV program visibly shaken, and announced, God has told me something else, and its something I didnt want to hear. He said, Pat, you lost your mind.
Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
God went on to ask, Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed.
And did you recently tell people I told you that this year Im going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed again.
But, Pat, ask yourself, if Im the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?
You mean, you didnt say them?’ I asked.
“Heck, no! God exclaimed. Ive got my reputation to consider.'”
Met Meets Greece’s Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day. The innocent travelers behold the long cement benches with curious holes that grace an area of their walking tour and ask what they were for.
In Mogadishu, Coke Is Branded As The Infidel Thing
Islamic militants who have taken over in Mogadishu and dropped the dark veil of medievalism over the minds of the citizenry have branded Coca-Cola as un-Islamic.
A hard-line sheik has declared that Westerners are enemies of Islam and their products should not be consumed.
The man has followers. One, who owns a tea shop, said, “Out of ignorance, I was selling and drinking Coca-Cola, but now I hate it so much.’
Freedoms Walk. Narrower But Better Than Seeing It Blown Up
Today Americans, who hope to stand for freedom to an expectant world, enjoy it along a narrower walk than ever. In fact, sometimes it seems as if we have to scrunch our shoulders together to keep going and at times turn to the side to slip on by.
Why have the guardrails encroached with such uncomfortable persistence? Primarily, but not exclusively, because of the new privileges the government has assumed in order to conduct the ever-looming war on terror.
But there are a host of other incursions, such as electronic surveillance via such things as the information that goes into our credit reports and the overly numerous troopers raising money for municipalities by passing out tickets so frequently they make every driver a paranoid wreck.
But just when you feel that you ought to get as feisty as the ACLU about even the slightest encroachment on our precious freedoms, you read about the FBI stopping the al-Qaeda plan to blow up the PATH tunnel between Manhattan and Hoboken and that the information that tipped the Feds off was gleaned from surveillance of email messages.
Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Being a movie buff with smiling memories of Jimmy Cagney, Joey, more in debt than usual, found himself in a familiar role. Joey, do you hear me? the customer service rep called through a bullhorn. This is Verizon.
Whaddaya want? Joey called back. This is a final disconnect notice,” the voice shot back.
Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face
Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face.
Since Berlusconi was a forthright ally of our struggles in Iraq, we must now face the prospect that the newly elected Prime Minister will beat a speedy retreat.
So we better get ready to duck. The second plate of spaghetti may fly our way.
America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed
If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedoms fading star, its somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians dont completely get the nod, because theyre still camped out on reservations.
Things That Go Bump in the Night
Apparently, during our wedding vows I agreed to take out the trash and investigate psychotic murderers crawling around our house in the middle of the night.
Sex Change Procedure Creates New Species, Neither All Male Nor All Female
Due to a revolutionary procedure, an entirely new species of human is now afoot on the earth neither all male nor all female. And people who have undergone the procedure seem delighted.
A mostly female member of the species confided, When you become a new species, it changes your whole outlook. Im no longer really flamingly female or, for that matter, flamingly male. It makes me really happy.
Im an early adapter, a mostly male person who had undergone the procedure told us. As a result, I often feel ahead of my time, but, wow, when I come across another person who has gone through it, we really hit it off.
Another primarily female incarnation of the remarkable development confided, When you become a third species, it changes your whole outlook. Im no longer really agressively female and certainly not rabidly male.
What exactly is this revolutionary procedure?
We spoke with Dr. Emil Changemaker, the founder of the technique, and asked, We understand youve created a new species of human being. Can you please elaborate?
Happy to oblige. First, this sex change operation requires no surgery.
It doesnt? we asked, surprised.
No, the change occurs, not between the legs, but between the ears.
Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash
The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted We are hungry!
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza. He had slipped in from Egypt, on his way back from a successful begging trip to Indonesia, Malaysia, Brunei, China, Pakistan, Iran and Egypt.