Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.
Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction.
Mexico Solves Immigration Problem; Becomes Part Of China
In a startling announcement, President Vicente Fox of Mexico revealed that his nation has solved its immigration problem with the U. S. by requesting annexation as a province of China. As a result of its new status, a plentitude of domestic jobs will be available.
He made the surprise announcement, not during his recent visit to America, but immediately upon returning to Mexico.
Mexicans by the millions cheered the decision, throwing fiestas nationwide, with shouts of Viva Mexico! Viva China! And the air rang out with the triumphant neologism, MexiChina, Ole!
JazzFest In New Orleans Kicks Off Without Jazz
The truth of music in New Orleans has for many years been in the sound of music one hears when he or she strolls through the fabled French Quarter. They have been, not the lilting lines of jazz, but the raucous thumps of rock. Since popular music is unlikely to return to those golden days of yore, it seems that the least irritating way to return consonance to the Jazzfest is simply to rename it the Musicfest. Then, while our ears might be just as troubled, at least our minds could ease off the incongruity that persists in troubling them.
How To Be A Modern-Day Fictional Heroine
It used to be so easy. All you needed was a thick mane of tousled auburn locks, high cheekbones and a determined little chin; add an ounce of determination and an event from your past that haunts you still. Then, wham! You were the perfect fictional heroine.
But now its not so simple. With television shows like Greys Anatomy and Ally McBeal, books like Bridget Joness Diary and Good in Bed, and movies like Miss Congeniality and Legally Blonde, were getting all sorts of …
Freedoms Walk. Narrower But Better Than Seeing It Blown Up
Today Americans, who hope to stand for freedom to an expectant world, enjoy it along a narrower walk than ever. In fact, sometimes it seems as if we have to scrunch our shoulders together to keep going and at times turn to the side to slip on by.
Why have the guardrails encroached with such uncomfortable persistence? Primarily, but not exclusively, because of the new privileges the government has assumed in order to conduct the ever-looming war on terror.
But there are a host of other incursions, such as electronic surveillance via such things as the information that goes into our credit reports and the overly numerous troopers raising money for municipalities by passing out tickets so frequently they make every driver a paranoid wreck.
But just when you feel that you ought to get as feisty as the ACLU about even the slightest encroachment on our precious freedoms, you read about the FBI stopping the al-Qaeda plan to blow up the PATH tunnel between Manhattan and Hoboken and that the information that tipped the Feds off was gleaned from surveillance of email messages.
Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized his condition was primarily due to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
Knowing the tenuous disposition of his cardiovascular system, he determined to remedy his verbal dereliction and signed up for a course at Dale Carnegie, where he expected to learn How To Win Friends And Influence People.
At his first class, however, he found himself unable to listen calmly to his lecturer and began to dispute with him. Youre just not living in the real world,” he announced. “Let me show you how it really is.
Here are selections from Cheneys revisions of Carnegie’s teachings.
Carnegie: Dont criticize, condemn, or complain.
Cheney: Easy fix. Just erase the word Dont.
Carnegie: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Cheney: Another easy fix. Lets add back the word Dont.
By Plane or By Car; On-Screen Entertainment Travels With You
Entertainment and travel are more integrated today than ever before. In fact, two airlines, JetBlue and Song, are using in-flight entertainment as a top selling point with consumers.
Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered
In an effort to return basketball to the widely popular place it held in the hearts and minds of average-size and short Americans before it became the exclusive province of players whose mothers are suspected of stretching them as infants, The National Basketball Association is considering legitimizing a basket height that will allow even really short people to slam-dunk the ball and hang by the hoop to express their delight over a particularly good play. If the sport for shorts catches on, the association may establish an entirely new league.
Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever
Curiously enough, the mummys bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. She was apparently motherly, because bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety hardly motherly clubs were also found buried with her. An archaeologist explained the seeming duality of tenderness and weaponry by stating, My theory is that she went to the grave, regretting the tattoos and asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.
The TOP 50 WAYS to Survive College for the First-Time-Off-To-College Kid
A Tongue-in-Cheek checklist for surviving the first year of college!
Supreme Court Rules On Where Fish Can Swim
The Supreme Court ruled in favor of two Michigan land owners who maintained that fish had no right to swim in the water on their property and, as a result, the developers should be able to grace the wetlands with a shopping mall and a condominium.
Until now, the courts had generally maintained that fish have certain inalienable rights and that among them is the right to swim in and out of any waterway they can navigate.
The ruling was, however, not the resounding victory the land owners had hoped for, because it only applied to newly arriving fish; the ones already located in the wetlands could continue to swim there.