I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!
Travel Jokes
Traveling can be a humbling experience, particularly when you travel to a foreign country. Such experiences, of course, give rise to travel jokes.
The Blonde Joke’s On Us: The Dumbest Woman On Earth Was Not A Blonde
I’ve lived my entire adult life with “dumb blonde” jokes. Whoever started them, probably spawned by pornographers allured by Marylyn Monroe types (probably with dyed hair), should be locked up in a room with a hundred blonde professional women on a month-long sabbatical from bad bosses. Think he’d make it out alive? I think he (or she) definitely be a changed creature after that month. He’d gain a new understanding of blondes, that’s for sure.
Senior Ticketed For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Rollerskates
As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply dont see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources theyve been turning to, for instance, roller skates.
We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities.
Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
Pat Robertson, in the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, appeared on his transparently acquisitive TV program visibly shaken, and announced, God has told me something else, and its something I didnt want to hear. He said, Pat, you lost your mind.
Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
God went on to ask, Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed.
And did you recently tell people I told you that this year Im going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?
’Yes, I did,’ I confessed again.
But, Pat, ask yourself, if Im the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?
You mean, you didnt say them?’ I asked.
“Heck, no! God exclaimed. Ive got my reputation to consider.'”
More things I have learned
Growing old does have one benefit … experience. So, I am continuing here to share my vast pool of knowledge. Of course my girlfriend can’t resist telling me I need to clean the pool, but heres the list anyway.
Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the fourth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
“But before I move on to the next section,” Dr. Coburn told Dan, “let me point out that you actually have, not just three, but an entire armory of defensive words you can turn to.
How do you figure?
Consider all the things that you immediately associate with the words I gave you. For example, take Tyrannosaurus Rex. What comes to mind?
Fossils,” Dan replied tentatively.
Good. And?
Bones.
Very good, Dr. Coburn commended him. Now try Texaco.
Gasoline.”
And Mexico?
Taco? Dan wondered.
Terrific!
Oh, I get it, he said. Taco, burrito, old bones, gasoline, self-service!”
Right! And whats the principle behind what weve just discovered? The core words of your defensive system have ancillary associations that you can hurl against an encroaching enemy when and if the need should arise.
Wow, talk about empowerment! I can think of associations all night.
Good. But these words only constitute your first line of defense. Now that youve mastered them, it’s time to move deeper into the Coburn Method, which brings us to my rock-solid Axioms of Abstinence. How are you holding up?
I’m ready to go on.
Internet, Which Began As Tech Wizardry, Ends Up As Ad Wizardry
The Internet, which began as the inspiration and implementation of technical wizards, has apparently ended up as the playground of advertising wizards. Witness the incessant publicity about such Internet prodigies as Google Adwords. And wherever can you click that an ad doesnt flash at you, featuring one beast or another, from a barrel of monkeys to a cobra, or glitteraty type - all in an energetic effort to call your attention to everything from low mortgage rates to cures for erectile dysfunction.
Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a readers request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. What might a gossip say under the influence of a confessional potion if asked, Why do you always talk about other people? Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself. Or as one Amanda Lear quipped, I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?
Europeans Press Iran; Present Cartoon Of Bombs Dropping On Nuclear Plants
European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations by an Iranian Turkish minority over a new cartoon that, they think, portrays them in an unfavorable light, the Europeans opted to incorporate a cartoon in their latest proposal that depicts bombs dropping on Iranian nuclear facilities.
During the next meeting with the usually smiling but dismissive Iranian nuclear negotiator, the French representative held up the explosive cartoon.
The Iranian negotiator sat back, and asked, This cartoon is upsetting. Is it intended to be a hint?
Chinese Leader Visits U. S. Shops For Sneakers
This is what fair trade is all about, he said. You give us things to make, and we make them.
Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video
Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.
Here’s how. Somebody buys the resourceful recluse a video camera. The only condition is, upon receipt, he has to agree to make a video about directions to his hideout. To prolong his short-lived celebrity, he can even deliver it in installments. The media will be wild for it.