One of the most winning things about spirits irrepressible is that they always come out swinging. And that resilient spirit was on prideful display at Wimbledon, which respectfully went its traditional way even as the people of London marked the dastardly bombing of the tube with sad but resolute hearts.
Why Al-Qaedas Promise Of Paradise Is Fundamentally Illogical
As we listen to the two principal culprits of Al-Qaeda attempt to motivate the unsuspecting to become suicidal dupes of its ideology, we cannot help but hear that their furious rhetoric is grievously flawed. We decided we might save some lives by bringing to bear on their promise of Paradise via murder the most frightening prospect a furiously brandished lie can confront: logic.
Lets begin by reviewing the fundamental values on which their provocative illogic is based:
1. There is only one true God
2. God is great
3. The way to please God is to kill people who dont believe in Him exactly the way we do.
Well, well, lets have a look-see.
Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine
While the Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as a theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution the availability of food and, in time, wine.
We were fortunate in being able to arrange an exclusive Newslaugh interview.
NewsLaugh: Would you please explain your theory?
Dumier: But, of course, monsieur. The great flaw in Darwins Theory is that he puts Natural Selection before the existence of food to select.
NewsLaugh: Say, thats interesting. Can you elaborate?
Dumier: It is my pleasure to do so. To me his Theory of Evolution does not make a primary place for the existence of food. Let me explain. Do you think the fish evolved in the ocean before there was plankton for them to dine on? Of course, not. They would have starved! And, if they could not survive, how could you have Survival of the Fittest?
NewsLaugh: Do you have another theory to propose?
Dumier: Oui, monsieur. Survival of the Fullest.
Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castros personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades. Expectedly enough, the very prospect of Cuba scooping oil out of the ocean floor while America has outlawed it for decades has enkindled hot debate in Congress about the present wisdom of our self-imposed interdiction.
JazzFest In New Orleans Kicks Off Without Jazz
The truth of music in New Orleans has for many years been in the sound of music one hears when he or she strolls through the fabled French Quarter. They have been, not the lilting lines of jazz, but the raucous thumps of rock. Since popular music is unlikely to return to those golden days of yore, it seems that the least irritating way to return consonance to the Jazzfest is simply to rename it the Musicfest. Then, while our ears might be just as troubled, at least our minds could ease off the incongruity that persists in troubling them.
Exactly What Does “Stand Down” Mean?
While were certain that the phrase “stand down,” which we hear with unaccustomed frequency in reference to our someday departure from Iraq, has a long and venerable history, we still cannot help but be niggled by what appears to us the apparent illogic of the postural invocation.
While we are not certain about the general experience of the human race, we are at least in regard to ourselves, pretty well convinced that the idea of stand is strikingly at variance with the positional adjustment required to achieve the state of being down.
Bill Gates to Devote Life To Charity; Make Money And You Can, Too
Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education.
His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As we listened to the meritorious goals heaped on the recent graduates, so they might achieve goals the speakers generation has found impossible, we could not help but think, why doesnt somebody come out and tell the youthful aspirants what the real challenge is?
Like it or not, todays world, as well as many another age, is conducted by two primary forces: wealth and power, and, other than resort to firearms, power springs from wealth.
Terrorist Receives Surprise Sendoff; Meets His Allah
As all the world knows, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the self-appointed and savage representative of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, was given a surprise sendoff last week. What no one seems to know is what happened when he met his Allah before the entrance to the paradise he and his fellow misrepresentatives of Islams best hopes long to be whisked away to.
Fortunately, we were there. How, you might ask?
When we heard that Mr. Al-Zarqawi was finally the object of his just reward, we, of course, did like most of the weary and repelled observers of his atrocities and bid him a speedy journey to his well-deserved destiny. But we also sent an email to Allah, asking if we could witness his arrival at what Mr. Zarqawi and other leading terrorists insist, all the better to influence their ill-informed stooges, is The Gate Where 27 Virgins Await.
We now present, recorded with our persistent care, the somewhat heated conversation between Allah and the rightly flabbergasted Mr. Al-Zarqawi, who approached somewhat groggy from the explosion that propelled him to eternity, but when he beheld Allah, he managed a hopeful smile.
Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the trendy club by accident, police raided the boomer hotspot. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff. But somehow they were smuggling it past the bouncers Alka-Seltzer, Tums, Rolaids, you name it. Had I known, I would have slipped them some complimentary club soda.
Italian Man Asks Wrong Question About Christ; Court Agrees To Hear Case
As you know, an Italian gentleman has challenged the Catholic Church to prove that Christ existed, and, while the case was, somewhat expectedly, tossed out in an Italian court, the plaintiff, undaunted, found a court in Strasbourg that has agreed to hear it. It remains to be revealed who the Catholic Church will designate to defend its historical foundation.
Should we flinch from such a touchy subject and leave you to your own puzzlements? No, dear reader, rest assured that we will never abandon you out of fear to follow whatever the ever-surprising pageant of daily events may present to our fretted brow but smiling aspect. After all, how much more refreshingly salutary it is to realize we can share even the most subtle adumbrations that flit through our evanescent moments of self-awareness.
So what is, in our opinion, the correct question?
Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then theres the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally Im very much against banning it.
Lets face it, a Spanish opponent commented, Dragging on a cigarette, inhaling the smoke, and then blowing it out is so exciting that Id rather die in a bullring than quit.
Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Given the current state of Americas feelings about the comeuppances of the Republican tenure, there is actually some likelihood that the dedicated duo could once again be frolicking in the realms of Presidential empowerment. While Democrats cheer, Republicans may double over with wails of dread and reach for Rudy.